June 2022 Issue
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Table of Contents
- April Showers Bring May Flowers
- New e-Learning Courses Are All the Craze at Mackenzie
- Mackenzie Calls Exterminators for Undetected Easter Bunny Infestation
- Frog Weather
- Grow!
- New strain of senioritis discovered; adolescent teens now most at risk.
- Schools Shift to Giving Marks by Lottery to Promote Equity and Learning
- Normal Clouds
- Puddle Fish
- Top 10 Names on the Attendance List
- Top 5 Courses You Have Just Got to Take Before You Graduate (You Won’t Regret It!)
- Top 5 Answers to Your Next Test
- School to Use Urban Dictionary as Official English Dictionary
- Waste of a Break
New e-Learning Courses Are All the Craze at Mackenzie
COMPUTER DESK, ON — The recent introduction by the Ministry of Education of a new e-Learning graduation requirement has received an overwhelmingly positive response from the Mackenzie community. Despite the option to opt out, nearly all students are fully embracing the change to their high school experience.
“I must say, this novel channel of education is truly exquisite. The interactive features, simulations, and collaboration with my fellow citizens across this great province that e-Learning allows is simply extraordinary,” expressed Alexander II of House Lancre, a tenth-grade student at Mackenzie. “Also, my father hasn’t spoken to me in years.”
“Nah, you already know big mans be pullin up with they transferable skills in digital literacy, no kizzy. All they other courses lookin straight mid fham, boutta get jumped for real, they already shakin,” explained Lil Macky, a ninth-grader and aspiring rapper who proceeded to promote his SoundCloud to our journalist team.
“e-Learning is actually so pogChamp, like the last time I was this widePeepoHappy about something was when xQc was getting jebaited no kappa it was actually so LULW all the haters are just pepeHands stream sniping, like hello sourPLS much? literally wdym cope harder kid,” said real_sinatraa12345678909876543212, who requested his real name be kept anonymous.
Our proud Lyons have also taken to social media to spread the love of e-Learning to peers all around the world.
“girl no but it’s the way i’m literally spending all my time with daddy elearning rn like slayy :sparkles::nail-care::sparkles::nail-care:”
“average beta regular learner average sigma e-learner”
It certainly seems e-Learning has established itself as the next big obsession within Mackenzie.
Mackenzie Calls Exterminators for Undetected Easter Bunny Infestation
TORONTO, ON - Upon returning to school on May 2nd, Mackenzie students were greeted with a cheery infestation of bunnies and colourful eggs.
Two weeks had passed since Easter Sunday when an undetected number of Easter bunnies and eggs were found in the unused lockers of students. “I thought the smell was just the lunch I left there 2 years ago.” said one student, who wishes to remain anonymous.
Understanding the severity of the situation, specialized exterminators were immediately called in to purge the festivities. By the afternoon, the school was evacuated as teams marched in bravely, equipped with flamethrowers for general use. Students watched in awe as Mackenzie pulled out all the stops against this late Easter infestation.
“We might be able to purge all the rabbits but there’s no way for us to get to the root of the problem ourselves,” one exterminator grimly commented, “We just have to hope the elite team can find all the eggs.” According to the animal breeding department, undetected breeding by Easter bunnies left unchecked for two weeks leads to insurmountable population numbers. Estimates land the number anywhere from 50,000 to 130,000. Some students were found to be adopting the bunnies they picked up on the way out of the building but they were quickly confiscated and killed.
After many of the bunnies had been burned, the elite team arrived to cut off the source of the bunnies: the elusive easter eggs. The remaining fires were promptly put out to ensure the safety of the team. All along the walls, melted chocolate oozed to the floor proving to be a distraction hazard. Still, the local daycare kids were let loose inside the building under the premise of an easter egg hunt and in under an impressive hour, they had all been found. Congratulations to Bobby for taking home the gold medal for this hunt.
Thanks to the swift action of the school in tandem with the extermination team, the Easter infestation was quickly dealt with. An email communication was later sent to all parents and students promising that this affair will never happen again. Unfortunately, as if asking for another outbreak, the animal breeding department secretly kept a few Easter eggs citing their reason as “studying purposes.”
New strain of senioritis discovered; adolescent teens now most at risk.
ON - New senioritis variant emerges that primarily affects younger students, scientists dub ‘junioritis.’
The highly contagious virus, senioritis, has recently mutated to target a new group, teens from ages 13 to 15. This new variant has been coined by scientists as “junioritis.” Mild symptoms of junioritis include aging, stress, getting distracted, and procrastination. Severe symptoms include growing up, paying taxes, and the inability to set goals.
Much to the dismay of those infected, junioritis does not seem to grant immunity to senioritis, but rather intensifies the effects of it.
Unaffected students seem oddly unafraid of the virus, and those recovered from junioritus have the complete opposite symptoms of those infected, having no stress or wrinkles.
“What’s the big deal about junioritis?” asks one indifferent student, “what happens to you? You age a little, maybe stress out? It’s not like we’re not facing that anyways.”
We interviewed a student who contracted junioritus. “So like, after I got junioritis, life just got like super chill, like, you know? Like, what’s a test? Why stress about tests when I can just, like, not. Right? We can just, like, not worry about, like, school and, like, grades and, like, life. Everything will, like, be totally chill in the end, like, you know?”
As a final reminder, please remember to always stay vigilant so that we can stop the spread of the virus. Don’t forget to: wash your hands, use hand sanitizer when soap and water are not available, wear your mask, physically distance, and keep ventilation through opening doors and windows and open your HEPA filters.
Schools Shift to Giving Marks by Lottery to Promote Equity and Learning
TORONTO, ON - The TDSB recently elected to implement a new system of marking where each mark will be drawn through a lottery.
“There has been a lot of complaints about inequality in the school system and we plan to undermine it by giving marks at random,” said Brian S. Ittee, the mastermind behind the revolutionary new scheme.
The administration states that this new change will give all students equal chances and let them focus on learning instead of marks. However, the student body at Mackenzie has voiced their opinions with a mixed reaction to this novel idea.
“I think it’s a fantastic idea,” said an anonymous Grade 12 graduate. “Everyone keeps complaining about marks being necessary to get into a good university, but now that we have zero control over it, students can finally focus on what is important: learning.”
While most of the grade twelves concur, a small minority of lower grades grade elevens and lower voiced concerns and disapproval with the new lottery system.
“While I think making marks completely random and in no way reflective of your abilities is quite practical, a lottery is just a boring way to do so; it’s so old-fashioned,” commented Bob, a Grade 9 student. Bob and other students are pushing to use random number generators instead. Many of them even sent their own programs to use in lieu of the lottery system.
At the time of writing, Flounder personnel found the current course median for the majority of courses to be 50%, a sharp plummet from before the change. Teachers who opted to use student programs for random number generation, however, saw a 17% increase in students’ averages.
Top 10 Names on the Attendance List
1. AA
2. AAA
3. AAAA
4. Abacus
5. A baby
6. An Aero bar
7. Affleck
8. A-G-L-E-T! Aglet! Don't forget it
9. ‘Ave yew gottin tha jowke yit?
10. Awlsoh eim Bri’ish fo sum rees’n
Top 5 Courses You Have Just Got to Take Before You Graduate (You Won’t Regret It!)
1. Grade 11 English
2. Grade 9 Science
3. Grade 10 Principles of Mathematics
4. Grade 10 Canadian History since World War I
5. Grade 12 Writer's Craft
Top 5 Answers to Your Next Test
1. A
2. E
3. None of the above
4. R = {y ∈ R | -12/17 < y <= 0 or 2.5 < y < 34}
5. When the soda can is opened, that changes the system from a closed system to an open one. Since equilibrium is only achieved in a closed system, this disturbs the equilibrium. As gaseous carbon dioxide is produced and released into the surroundings, the reaction continuously shifts to the right to produce more carbon dioxide until all of the carbonic acid has been consumed, causing the soda to go flat. To prevent this, the soda could be cooled, as the forward reaction is endothermic, meaning removing heat from the system will cause it to favour the reverse reaction, causing it to release carbon dioxide at a slower rate. You could also close the soda can.
School to Use Urban Dictionary as Official English Dictionary
Toronto, ON - North York school William Lyon Mackenzie CI has adopted a new policy requiring all English classrooms to immediately switch over to using Urban Dictionary as the official English dictionary, replacing the Canadian Oxford dictionary.
The administration at the school was eager to explain this new strategy. “Look, the world is evolving and as a big school we have to adapt”, said Ben Dover, Kahoot Name Coordinator of WLMAC. “Using Urban Dictionary provides our students with a fresh way to look at the world around them. High school prepares students for the real world, and by teaching them this immensely expressive language, they will be well suited for the streets, you know, where they belong.”
“It’s the least we can do, and we always do the least.”
During a group fishing session in the bathroom, the Flounder has been able to witness this new policy in action. Mike Coxlong was preparing for his debate when he had a stroke of genius and replaced his concluding remarks with “L + ratio + skill issue + no maidens + objectively incorrect + cry about it + your’e*”.
“You know, those last words really drove the point home and won the debate”, he remarked, “I meant, big W lmao rip bozo.”
Teachers, on the other hand, were on the fence about this new policy. Some were ecstatic that they could bring potentially offensive words into the classroom as a learning opportunity or artistic inspiration, while others were outright petrified.
“What the **** is a sussy baka??” remarked a teacher who wishes to remain anonymous.
